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WHO SAID CM IS BORING? |
| Come, enter the Laugh Zone. Poke fun at everyone - Executives, Politicians, Neanderthals... We hope this page brings some laughter into your day. Enjoy yourself. If you would like to add something to the Laugh Zone, please send it to john@cmtf.com |
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UPDATE FROM DOWN UNDER |
REAL LIFE EXPERIENCES INSPIRED THE LYRICS IN BEATLES SONGS, |
YESTERDAY |
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Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday. |
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WHAT IF DR. SEUSS WROTE TECHNICAL MANUALS? |
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If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash And the double clicking icons put your window in the trash And the data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash Then your situation's hopeless and your systems gonna crash. If the label on your cable on the gable on your house Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons on the window are as wavy as a souse Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, your suckers gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC Then you have to flash your memory And you'll want to Ram your ROM Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your Mom. |
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WHAT IF MICROSOFT BUILT CARS? |
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E
very time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to
buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, restart and drive on. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the packaging would be superb. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened. They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it. There would be an "Engine Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which you would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away a free Microsoft car, including IBM! If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads! If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days before it worked. You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other. |
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IGNORANCE IS BLISS |
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When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank
by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying
that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. A 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil. David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind. The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school. Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself. Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck. Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence. R. C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri. |
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HOW MIL SPECS LIVE FOREVER |
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The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly
odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built
by English expatriates.
Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gage they used.
Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways
used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old,
long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe
were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone
else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome, They were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military Spec) for an
Imperial Roman army war chariot. Mil Specs and bureaucracies live forever.
SO, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you
may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.
Professor Tom O'Hare Thanks to Gerry A. Gieger
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YOU ARE AN ENGINEER IF... |
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1. You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work. 2. Your IQ number is bigger than your weight. 3. The microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it. 4. You can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary. 5. You have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already. 6. You have owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for. 7. Your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal. 8. You know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use. 9. You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting. 10. People groan at the party when you pick out the music. 11. You can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week. 12. You did the sound system for your senior prom. 13. Your checkbook always balances. 14. Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone. 15. You have more friends on the Internet than in real life. 16. You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers. 17. You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep. 18. You spend more on your home computer than your car. 19. You Know what http:/ stands for. 20. You've tried to repair a $5.00 radio. 21. You have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage. 22. Your three year old asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory. 23. Your lap-top computer costs more than your car. 24. Your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate 25. You're mad because this list didn't end on a round number. |
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